Why Do I Feel So Angry as a Caregiver?
Why do I feel so angry as a caregiver? Is this normal?
There is an estimated 60 million+ family caregivers right now in the US, meaning nearly 1 out of 4 adults provides care for a loved one. Being a caregiver is hard work. It’s a 24/7 job with few breaks and little appreciation. It’s VERY normal to feel emotional, frustrated, or angry when you are the primary caregiver for someone, whether that person is a child, an aging parent, or another loved one. While some degree of difficulty is normal, it’s important to be vigilant that your frustration does not get too intense. If caregivers do not prioritize themselves, they could be at risk of burnout. Burnout can lead to depression, severe anxiety, sleep disorders, and serious physical health problems.
What is caregiver burnout? Is it different from stress?
Caregiver stress is the typical emotional and physical strain of caregiving. This could be some irritability or anxiety, but is mostly manageable. Caregiver burnout refers to the chronic and more intense place where a caregiver’s emotional state begins to affect their ability to cope day to day. It can even make it impossible for the caregiver to provide the care they want for their loved ones. It is not unusual for caregivers to reach a point where they feel hopeless, overwhelmed, or angry. This also can lead to a shame spiral where caregivers feel guilty that they “snapped” or yelled or otherwise lost their temper. It’s also important to acknowledge that the caregiver role may not be the only responsibility. Many caregivers continue to work, maintain their normal household responsibilities, or care for other family members at the same time.
What are some signs of caregiver burnout?
- Constant exhaustion
- Anxiety
- Irritability/anger
- Depression
- Difficulty sleeping
- Withdrawal from family/friends/activities you once enjoyed
- Frequent illness
- Frequently feeling like you didn’t treat your loved one the way you wanted
What can help caregiver burnout and stress?
Self-care, time to reflect, therapy, and acknowledgement of the load you are carrying can all be helpful with caregiver burnout.
The first step is an honest assessment of the situation. Here are some questions that can help:
1) How much care does your loved one truly need?
2) Are you able to leave them alone for short periods of time? Is someone else able to manage their needs in your absence?
3) What is their prognosis? Caregiving over any period is hard, but the approach will be different for time limited intense treatment vs. chronic care for a loved one who will continue to decline
4) Are there aspects of caregiving that you can outsource? Can someone help with transportation, meal prep, sitting with them while you take a break?
5) Have you set expectations with your loved one (assuming they are able to have that conversation)?
6) What is the aspect of caregiving that is causing you the most distress? Is it the constant neediness? How much it takes you away from other responsibilities? Genuine fear or concern for your loved one?
Once you have an honest idea of how much care your loved one needs, it’s helpful to figure out where you can take a break. Can you go for a short walk? To the gym? Can you fit in a therapy session or dinner with a friend? If this feels impossible, is there a way to problem solve so you at least feel like you have a break?
Can therapy really help caregivers?
Yes! Therapy can be incredibly helpful for caregiver burnout and stress. I have worked with many caregivers who get emotional after just telling their story. It is powerful to have someone acknowledge that the responsibility you are holding is massive and that you are allowed to be frustrated while still caring deeply about your loved one. Through therapy with a skilled clinician, you can start to examine where these feelings come from and how to help you get to a place where they feel manageable.
What if I don’t have time for therapy?
Many caregivers feel like they cannot make time to see a therapist for themselves, or sometimes they feel guilty making plans. Seeing a therapist or engaging in self-care is not selfish. Taking care of yourself is important for you and you deserve to have that time. Plus, taking care of yourself makes you a happier person and in turn, a better caregiver.
There are also ways to make therapy more accessible to caregivers, such as virtual therapy (you can be close in case you’re needed, no commute time) or off peak hours. For example, I reserve a few evening/night time virtual session slots (7/8pm CA time, 10/11pm FL time) for people who are busy until their loved ones go to sleep. This can be helpful to de-brief from the day and provide calming support. If these options are not available to you, it’s always a good idea to discuss with your therapist and see if they have additional problem solving to help your particular situation.
Other options for caregiver burnout
Therapy is great, but caregiver burnout is best addressed in many ways. Here are some good places to start:
1) Nutrition/sleep -- sure you are eating and sleeping enough. This sounds basic but when you’re in crisis, these aren’t a priority. Higher level functioning cannot happen without these building blocks in place
2) Moving your body – taking walks, exercising, gentle stretching, this can look different for everyone, but moving your body almost always helps
3) Meditation, calming exercises – sitting in nature, thinking about calm happy thougths can all help you re-center
4) Talking to friends and family – reach out to your support system for help. Sometimes friends pull away from caregivers, but this is often because people are unsure of what to do or say. Making it clear that you want to talk, while also acknowledging that you may not have as much availability, can feel good for both you and the friend
Next steps for caregivers
If you would like to talk more, please reach out to me via email (morgangrosscounseling@gmail.com), phone/text (312-933-8106) or via my website contact button above. I would be happy to help work with you on your caregiver journey and get you to a place where you feel and function better.
